Feelings

I'm really tired of people asking me if I’m okay, need to talk etc, etc.
I'm also tired of the remarks that “your acting weird” or “why aren't you crying”.
After crying more than I have in the last six months in a 4 day period I can't seem to cry anymore. I FEEL like crying but I don't seem to have anymore tears to cry with. I Love my Grandma, just because I am not falling apart now that is gone doesn't mean I don't care. I’m trying to compartmentalize my feelings right now till spring break (another week...) because I have way to much school work going on this week and next. I am so stressed out right now with everything that has been going on, part of it is because I have been slacking on my daily quiet time with God. I’m trying to handle everything on my own and I am soo not good at it. This week has been horrible because I can’t bring myself to care about anything school related even though I have so much of it due. I have been forcing myself to go through the motions and write a 5 page History paper, study for 3 exams next week (possibly for depending on how the teacher feels) and 2-4 page English paper.

To try and relax (is that even possible while in university?) I have been organizing all my Germany pictures I took last July and picking my favorite to make a book on shutterfly.com. It takes my mind off stuff I should be doing….I know, I know studying should come first. Not really concerned with that right now. My dad is though, I know he is trying to think of my future but right now a failed assignment will not affect my grade too bad in 2 out of 5 classes. One class has a lot of extra credit 1 page papers I could do I could pass the coarse alone if I did all of them.

I am just so worn out this week it makes me wonder if I really want to do Graduate school. I have another year till I finish my bachelors and it would add 2 more years on. Lots to think about after this coming week.

Grief

I've decided grief sucks.

I know grandma was dying, I've been getting phone calls all week on how she was. I thought I was prepared. I guess not.

I think about grandma or something we loved to do together and I feel tears on my cheeks. I've never been a crier so its uncomfortable and weird to me.

I love grandma. I have such great memories with her.

Walking to Safeway to get groceries, was fun, she would talk about the buildings or just how things had changed.

Playing Cribbage together, that will forever be etched in my memory as "our" game. She was always patient with me. She taught me how to play and as I got older she made the game more "grown up" by stealing points if I didn't add the math right. I remember 2 am in Mexico, neither of us could sleep so she says "you awake Kerry?" me "Yeah" her, "want to play some crib?" and we did. We played like 5 games of crib till both of us couldn't count and we were able to sleep. We did this several nights while in Mexico, with the spanish music station on t.v. softly playing in the background.

I remember sleep overs at grandma being a highlight. (especially if it was just me). There was one time I got to bowl with her team because they were a person short. I was so proud. (I didn't do very well but that fact that grandma would let me play was a big deal).

I love cooking with her, and hearing stories about growing up on the farm and then her travels through the years. I loved going through her picture albums and asking her questions about her friends and even about what her first thoughts were when I was born.

I am going to miss my grandma!
I wish I had some pictures of grandma to put here, but all my pictures of her didn't make it down to Texas.

Update 2/16/2010

So update.

School: STRESSED (have three tests this week, one next week, and a 5 page paper due the next week. I am hopeing (but not holding my breath) that it will calm down after spring break but that has never happened before but I can always hope.

Valentines Day: Happy Belated Valentines Day to y'all.
Mine was pretty fun. I got flowers at work on friday (and got asked out), went on my first officail (the guy met my dad and stuff) date. That was cool. Went to see a movie and just hung out and talked afterwards.

Sam: Still hasn't found a job. May be going up to Canada for a few weeks (wouldn't hold your breath over that). Mom says she will buy his ticket as a early birthday present.

Hmm, that seems to be about it for now. No new pictures. I haven't had time to take pictures, I will try and make up for that in the next couple of weeks.

the break

Okay here are the pictures I said I would post (and look it hasn't been a month, I am trying to be better about updating more often)

You can't really tell but there is snow falling hard in the above picture with a tree.

This is in front of Nikki's brother and sister-in-law's house. I haven't seen a snowman in several years so I had to get a picture of me with one.

OKay, this is the windshield after the crash...we were on our way home from michigan through chicago because we wanted to go to the field's musuem. About half way there (yes I was driving) I hit some black ice, started to skid, slowly corrected that one, than hit another patch...and nikki started screaming...I over corrected and we did a 180 into the steel cable fence in the medium (I don't know how to spell that). We both were physically fine but not mentally. I was really shook up but got myself under control quickly as I called my dad, then the police then my dad again etc. It took awhile but we (with my dad's help) decided it would be best if we flew home because I certainly was not fit to drive (it took me a couple of days when we got home before I stopped having little panic attacks when I first got into the car). Nikki was in NO shape to drive either. So, we found 2 tickets on southwest flying out at 9 am in detroit on saturday. (the accident and everything happened on friday at about 10 am). So that was a nice chunk of change (I was willing to spend it to get home and I never thought I would say it but I did, I was happy to be in texas again when we landed in San Antonio, which is 3 hrs away from where we live). Anyways...Nikki's aunt was a blessing, and drove to where we were (3 hrs away, taking off work to come pick us up) and took us home, bought us dinner and was extremely sweet, helped us repack because we could only take so much on the plane and the car was packed, so some stuff got left behind. I learned there was a Tim Horton's near her place (and nikki said my face lit up...because I didn't know there were any in the states) and she said we could go there for breakfast (which was amazing....I love their donuts...so made my day) and than she drove us from Ann Arbor to Detroit Airport. Than we got through secruity (which was on high alert since the bombing attempt on christmas eve) and than we had 3 very turbulent flights home (which did nothing to calm my crazy nerves) and at one point said we would have to prospone take off because there was ice on the wings of the plane, at the next airport, we had to circle because there was ice on the runway...by this point I can HATED ice, so when we finally got to San Antonio and there wasn't a single white fluff falling or ice to be seen I almost cheered. Than my Grandpa (Dad's dad) picked us up and we had a great evening with him and Dorothy (his wife) before going home the next day.

There are 2 more pictures of the car... it looks even worse than these pictures tell, I am just glad that we didn't hit another car or another car didn't hit us since we were on a busy interstate.

Also, I before going to michigan (on dec. 22/23) I went to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma to go to a book signing by the pioneer woman.... :) that was alot of fun, even though it was a 6 1/2 hr drive one way I enjoyed it very much. But I almost had a blow out on the way back so I had to buy 2 new tires....

I've decided Road Trips are just not good for me...they drain my bank account to new lows. So no road trips for me for several months. ...

Break

Update,

The break went by really fast. I start school on tuesday...though I am not ready, I haven't even bought my books...opps.

I went to Oklahoma City, Okla. and Ann Arbor, Michigan this break. Both were really fun road trips but were much more expensive than I had budgeted. I had to unexpectedly buy 2 new tires...$260 later than 2 weeks later I bought a plane ticket home from Michigan...$300 later. I will post pictures and explain why both of those things occurred next week.

Sam still hasn't found work but is hopeful that someone is hiring this month. Grandpa J. is keeping his ears open to see if there is any ranch hand openings in the hill country. That would be great for Sam as he loves working with horses and animals.

Christmas was fun, got a few neat things...mostly books lol....I think people know I love to read. And Canada stuff...thats ALWAYS great. I have been having fun telling people about the 2010 Winter Olympics because they now know where I grew up (or at least close to it).

Sam got more practical gifts... New shifts for his bed because he ripped his other ones. A Bible and a devontional book. He also got Canada stuff that he was excited about.

Thats it for now. I will post pictures and explain more about my break later, I have to go buy school books now....for tuesday.

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas everyone.

Update:

Sam found temporary work at Citel. Which is great! He is working from 6am to 9pm today and tomorrow from 8am to i don't know.
He did not pass he ASPAB (test to get into the military) so he might be changing his plans but he doesn't tell me so I don't know.

I passed my classes with 3 A's and 1 C. I have never been so happy for a C in my life. I worked really hard to earn that C. I will also never be taking an economics class ever again in my life.
I went to Oklahoma City, to the pioneer woman booksigning. It was really really cool. It was a 6.5 hrs drive up there but well worth it. My dad went with me and that was a good thing because I almost had a blow out with my back right tire. It died on us as I was driving back from Oklahoma City to Wichita Falls, TX where we were staying. So $260.00 later for 2 new tires. I drove the 4 hrs home the next day. It was great.
Hopefully, I will also be going to Michigan for 8 days with a friend. I will take lots of pictures for sure!

Also, we had SNOW in TEXAS twice now....Global Warming???? Snow in San Angelo, Tx???? Something is not adding up here. My camera temporary died on me so I didn't get pictures (I am hopeing it works for Michigan, I don't want to have to buy a new camera).

Thats all for now. Here are some new pictures of random stuff:
This was in Potsdam, Germany, I was coming out of the huge gardens when I saw this and it was really interesting so I took a picture of it.

This next one is in Amsterdam, Netherlands, it was a park right (really walk outside its there) the Hostel we stayed at. I love this park it was my second favorite part of Amsterdam the frist being the Anne Frank Museum. (I didn't like Amsterdam very much so have this park right next door was a great perk and a very relaxing experience in the evenings)

This last picture is the campus in Luneburg where we did school. This is one of the many buildings on campus and they're all WWII buildings (Hitler even visited here for inspection). They are using a dark part of their history to bring good in their future by educating the future generations.

here is an update:
Sam is taking the test to see if he gets into the airforce tomorrow afternoon. I am praying it goes well as it is something he has actually been studying for (in the last couple of weeks). He is still looking for a part-time job to work during the waiting period between when he takes the test and goes for basics. He now has a car (scary thought lol).

It is almost finals time for me. I am so stressed with school this semester as this has been my hardest semester yet. I ended up dropping a class and only taking 12 hrs instead of 15 and it is still hard. My GPA is going to drop this semester as I will have at least one C (economics, for the life of me I can't make a 70 on a test, even with tutoring from my dad).
Thats the update, sorry its so short. Here are some pictures though:

sibling pictures: