Feelings

I'm really tired of people asking me if I’m okay, need to talk etc, etc.
I'm also tired of the remarks that “your acting weird” or “why aren't you crying”.
After crying more than I have in the last six months in a 4 day period I can't seem to cry anymore. I FEEL like crying but I don't seem to have anymore tears to cry with. I Love my Grandma, just because I am not falling apart now that is gone doesn't mean I don't care. I’m trying to compartmentalize my feelings right now till spring break (another week...) because I have way to much school work going on this week and next. I am so stressed out right now with everything that has been going on, part of it is because I have been slacking on my daily quiet time with God. I’m trying to handle everything on my own and I am soo not good at it. This week has been horrible because I can’t bring myself to care about anything school related even though I have so much of it due. I have been forcing myself to go through the motions and write a 5 page History paper, study for 3 exams next week (possibly for depending on how the teacher feels) and 2-4 page English paper.

To try and relax (is that even possible while in university?) I have been organizing all my Germany pictures I took last July and picking my favorite to make a book on shutterfly.com. It takes my mind off stuff I should be doing….I know, I know studying should come first. Not really concerned with that right now. My dad is though, I know he is trying to think of my future but right now a failed assignment will not affect my grade too bad in 2 out of 5 classes. One class has a lot of extra credit 1 page papers I could do I could pass the coarse alone if I did all of them.

I am just so worn out this week it makes me wonder if I really want to do Graduate school. I have another year till I finish my bachelors and it would add 2 more years on. Lots to think about after this coming week.

Grief

I've decided grief sucks.

I know grandma was dying, I've been getting phone calls all week on how she was. I thought I was prepared. I guess not.

I think about grandma or something we loved to do together and I feel tears on my cheeks. I've never been a crier so its uncomfortable and weird to me.

I love grandma. I have such great memories with her.

Walking to Safeway to get groceries, was fun, she would talk about the buildings or just how things had changed.

Playing Cribbage together, that will forever be etched in my memory as "our" game. She was always patient with me. She taught me how to play and as I got older she made the game more "grown up" by stealing points if I didn't add the math right. I remember 2 am in Mexico, neither of us could sleep so she says "you awake Kerry?" me "Yeah" her, "want to play some crib?" and we did. We played like 5 games of crib till both of us couldn't count and we were able to sleep. We did this several nights while in Mexico, with the spanish music station on t.v. softly playing in the background.

I remember sleep overs at grandma being a highlight. (especially if it was just me). There was one time I got to bowl with her team because they were a person short. I was so proud. (I didn't do very well but that fact that grandma would let me play was a big deal).

I love cooking with her, and hearing stories about growing up on the farm and then her travels through the years. I loved going through her picture albums and asking her questions about her friends and even about what her first thoughts were when I was born.

I am going to miss my grandma!
I wish I had some pictures of grandma to put here, but all my pictures of her didn't make it down to Texas.